10 Ways to Cope with Difficult Relatives During the Holidays

Worrying about an upcoming gathering can cause anxiety before it even starts, says Thomas C. Lian, MD, a psychiatrist and behavioral health medical director with Scripps Health.

Better to focus on behaviors that can reduce anxiety and make you feel better instead of worrying, he says. Before a family event, do something relaxing, such as practicing yoga or listening to music.

Try focusing on the positive, says Stephen Shapero, MD, a family medicine physician at Scripps Coastal Medical Center Carlsbad. “Focus on the positive qualities of family members before gatherings, not the negatives," he says. 

Seeing difficult relatives without feeling stressed will enable you to react calmly to their behavior that bothers you.

It would be great if your difficult aunt or uncle didn’t criticize your outfit at the family dinner this year, but don't count on it.

We shouldn’t expect people to change when they have behaved in the same way for years. “Minimize your contact with difficult relatives, and spend more time interacting with people you like,” suggests Dr. Lian.

Politics and religion are obvious, but people also bring up touchy subjects without thinking about how they might affect others. A difficult relative may ask: “Are you ever going to get married?” It may seem harmless, but it may also strike a nerve and make you feel uncomfortable.

Set boundaries, advises Dr. Shapero. “Stay away from topics that can cause arguments. If someone does bring it up, try to change the subject in a polite way,” he says.

Keep in mind that you can only change yourself. “You can’t stop people from bringing up controversial subjects or asking rude questions, but you can monitor and modify your own reactions,” says Dr. Lian. “No one can force you to engage in a negative conversation.”

Instead, simply say, “Let’s not get into that now.” Then change the topic. If he or she persists, excuse yourself and walk away.

If you drink alcohol, do so in moderation. Some people become aggressive or argumentative when they’ve had too much to drink, notes Dr. Lian. If you are one of them, minimize your drinking or stick to non-alcoholic beverages. Avoid people who have had too much to drink, and don’t let them drive.

“It’s difficult to be drawn into an argument when engrossed in an activity that requires concentration, physical activity or laughter,” says Dr. Lian. Play a game, go for a walk on the beach or watch a funny holiday movie.

Take a time-out and think about all you have to be grateful for: a delicious meal, a warm home, good health, a friend or sunny day. Anxiety can be diminished by focusing on the things we enjoy and value.

“We all do things that irritate other people, and we probably aren’t aware of it,” says Dr. Lian. “Try to be tolerant of others’ quirks and irritating behaviors, and don’t take them personally.” If nothing else, remember you only have to tolerate the irritation for a little while.

Smiling at a favorite photo or a funny text message from a friend can help reduce stress. When things get too stressful, plan to sneak away, take a break and look at your happy reminder.

Can’t physically leave a stressful situation? You can always focus on your breathing. Take five slow, deep breaths, focusing on breathing in and out.

“Even a short break can have a powerful effect on stress and anxiety,” says Dr. Shapero.