10 Ways to Deal With Difficult Family Members During the Holidays

The holiday season is a time to celebrate, spend time with family and make memories. But family gatherings aren’t always easy, especially when old disagreements or family drama come up. 

Maybe you have a relative who makes critical comments, asks uncomfortable questions or brings up topics you'd rather avoid.  

While you can’t control how others behave, you can choose how to respond. Setting boundaries, managing expectations and knowing when to take a break can help keep family tensions from spoiling your holiday. 

Here are 10 ways to deal with difficult family members during the holidays:

Just thinking about spending time with difficult relatives can make you feel stressed or anxious. 

"It’s better to focus on behaviors that can reduce anxiety and boost your mood,” says Thomas C. Lian, MD, a psychiatrist and behavioral health medical director at Scripps Mercy Hospital San Diego. 

Before getting together, make time to unwind. Listen to music, practice yoga or do something else that helps you relax. 

“Try focusing on what you enjoy about spending time with family rather than worrying about what might go wrong,” says Daria Emelianova, MD, a family medicine physician at Scripps Coastal Medical Center Encinitas. “It can help you feel more relaxed and enjoy the time together.”  

You may hope a critical relative will behave differently this year. But old family habits can be hard to change, especially during the holidays. 

Instead of expecting others to change, focus on what you can control, including how much time you spend with people who make you uncomfortable. 

“Minimize your contact with difficult relatives, and spend more time interacting with people you like,” Dr. Lian says. 

Remember, you don’t have to attend every family gathering. If a visit feels overwhelming, it’s OK to leave early or politely decline an invitation. 

Politics, religion and personal questions can make family conversations uncomfortable. Maybe a relative asks, “Are you ever going to get married?” or brings up something you’d rather not discuss.  

If you know certain topics could cause tension, think about how you'd like to handle them before getting together. You can be polite without feeling pressured to answer every question. 

“You don’t have to participate in every conversation, especially if a topic makes you uncomfortable,” Dr. Emelianova says. “It’s OK to politely change the subject or let someone know you’d rather not discuss it.” 

Even when you’ve set boundaries, someone may say something that upsets you. How you respond can make the difference between a brief disagreement and a heated argument.

“You can’t stop people from bringing up controversial subjects or asking rude questions, but you can monitor and modify your own reactions,” says Dr. Lian. “No one can force you to engage in a negative conversation.” 

If you feel yourself getting upset, pause before responding. You don't have to defend yourself or respond to every comment. Sometimes, a calm reply or changing the subject is enough to keep a disagreement from escalating. 

Holiday gatherings often include alcohol, but drinking can make family tensions worse.  

Alcohol can affect judgment and lower inhibitions, making small disagreements more likely to turn into arguments. Some people become aggressive or argumentative after drinking too much, Dr. Lian says.  

To help prevent problems, consider limiting how much alcohol you drink or choosing nonalcoholic beverages instead. Learning how to manage holiday alcohol triggers can also help.

If someone else has had too much to drink, avoid getting into an argument with them. If they need a ride home, help arrange one with a sober driver or rideshare service. 

Spending time together doesn’t have to mean sitting around talking. Planning activities everyone can enjoy can help ease family tension and keep the mood light. 

Take a walk after a holiday meal, play board games or watch a funny movie. Shared activities can help reduce stress and bring people together. 

“It’s difficult to be drawn into an argument when engrossed in an activity that requires concentration, physical activity or laughter,” says Dr. Lian.

Even when you’re having a good time, an upsetting comment can put a damper on your mood.  

Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, try to appreciate the good moments. That might mean catching up with a favorite relative, sharing a meal or enjoying a family tradition. 

You don’t have to pretend everything is perfect. Focusing on the moments you enjoy can make the holidays more meaningful, even when family relationships are complicated.

Not every annoying comment or habit deserves a response. Sometimes, overlooking minor irritations can help prevent unnecessary arguments. 

“We all do things that irritate other people and we probably aren’t aware of it,” says Dr. Lian. “Try to be tolerant of others’ quirks and irritating behaviors, and don’t take them personally.” 

But being understanding doesn’t mean accepting hurtful behavior. If someone repeatedly treats you disrespectfully, it’s OK to speak up and set boundaries. You can be patient with others without sacrificing your own emotional well-being. 

Even when you try to stay patient, family interactions can become overwhelming. Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break and make time for self-care.

Step outside for fresh air, take a short walk or find a quiet place to relax. Even a few minutes away can help you feel calmer and regain your composure. 

You might also lift your mood by looking at a favorite photo, listening to music or reading a funny message from a friend. 

But what if you can’t step away from a stressful situation? Practicing deep breathing techniques can help you manage stress in the moment. 

“When you feel yourself getting upset, taking a few slow, deep breaths can help calm your body’s stress response. It also gives you a moment to collect your thoughts before reacting,” says Dr. Emelianova. 

After the holidays, take a moment to reflect on what went well and what you might do differently next time. That could mean setting clearer boundaries, planning shorter visits or making more time for yourself.  

Family gatherings may not always go as planned, but small changes can help you manage stress and enjoy more of what makes the holidays special.